An apology letter to my privilege
Dear privilege,
We have had a really complicated relationship, and I feel I owe you a big apology. All this time, you’ve been a huge source of love, and for the longest time I energetically, mentally and physically could not hold you. I was NOT a good steward of privilege because of my guilt, and for this, I am sorry.
How it all started...
Growing up, I had more than any little girl could have dreamed of. We were basically rich, from what I could tell, and it was a life that seemed magical. I had all the stuffed animals I wanted, pretty dresses, and even a bedroom to myself with pink bows on the wallpaper. I loved those times. They were happy times. When I had everything I needed as a kid, I didn’t judge you. I just lived in the present, not labeling everything as good/bad, right/wrong. This meant I could truly ENJOY you, which, I think, is all you ever wanted. The best way to love and appreciate something is to be present with it.
And then somewhere along the line, things got really complicated, confusing, and sometimes straight up dodgy.
Mom and dad started struggling financially BIG time. Money became a toxic and scary topic around the house that TOTALLY stressed me out as a kid. I remember my dad would have nightmares about us being homeless because he was so scared he couldn't keep the roof over our head
Mom, in her really bad states (you know the one, where she would get REALLY drunk, slur her words and pass our unconscious) would yell at me for being a spoiled, selfish, shitty kid. Little did I know that those hurtful words would leave a scar in my psyche, and complicate my relationship with money and privilege for years to come
In junior high and high school I struggled with SO much shame around money. We moved from house to house, my parents doing everything they could to keep me in the same school district so I could stay with my friends (which, was such an act of love from them). I was the only one of my friends who had a job at 16, which I actually liked! But growing up in an affluent LA suburb made me feel embarrassed about this. There was so much focus around money, prestige and class that made it a toxic environment for any who didn’t have those things. As a result, I began to demonize money and the people who had it. I thought mo’ money, mo’ problems, and anyone who had it was a superficial, bad person
Then came college. Oh man, those days were fuunnnn. I moved to Philadelphia and my whole world opened up. I connected with people of all races, classes, religions, sexual orientations, and backgrounds that were soo different from my sheltered suburban life. It was also there that I saw what American poverty looked like. Then when I traveled to other countries and saw poverty that I had not seen in the states, it all further exacerbated in my guilt and shame. It made me see how much I had even when my family was struggling. That meant I was one of those bad people. Turned out my mom was right all along, I WAS a spoiled, selfish person, and I should feel guilty for having so much, when so many people had less.
I went down a path of living this rebellious, anti-establishment life (reading Noam Chomsky and listening to The Clash). This is where my understanding of privilege got really DISTORTED. I labeled anything having to do with privilege ie money, power, access as bad. And even though I was an Asian-American woman who experienced racism and inequality in my own life, I did not yet understand the idea of intersectionality. I didn't understand that I could be discriminated against AND privileged at the same time. I didn't know that in between black and white were all these shades of grey. All I knew was that there were people more oppressed than me and for that reason I felt like the bad guy
Fast forward to my first real job at a Brooklyn non-profit where I worked with a really diverse and wonderful group of smart, badass progressives. Part of my job was working with black and brown high school kids in the Bronx, Queens and Brooklyn where race was a huge and important part of the conversation. I got into a few heated conversations with my boss about my own privilege that really triggered me. I felt like he, as a black man, was diminishing my own experiences as a POC, which again, made me feel either crazy or ashamed. We had a few diversity and inclusion trainings at the office, which were a good start, but it didn't feel like a safe place for me to process my shame, anger or ignorance. There was something stale and formulaic about those conversations that, if anything, actually made me harden against conversations about privilege even more, maybe because I never wanted to come across as the person who said the wrong thing
Now:
My relationship with you, privilege, has changed a lot in the past 5 years. What I realized is that once I started healing myself (my traumas, limiting beliefs, etc) I healed my relationship with you without needing to focus on YOU, specifically. Healing my relationship with you was just the natural by-product of addressing my core woundings.
And what’s made ALL the difference has, of course, been my spiritual commitment to the Self.
Here’s what I’ve learned, my dear friend privilege.
Privilege is really hard for people who have an innate belief that they’re “a bad person”
Having you around can really trigger one’s feeling/fear of being a bad person. I particularly see this in my clients who are children of addicts, or anyone who’s experienced abuse as a child (and this shows up A LOT amongst well meaning liberals). When you think you might be a bad person, this is an OPEN DOOR for shame to come in and infiltrate. It’s a story that we’re afraid might be true, and when we think we find proof of it, shame is a way of punishing ourselves for being “bad.”
What’s helped me the most in my relationship to you? I no longer think I am a bad person.
I cannot tell you how PROFOUND this has been for me. The thought may rear its ugly head every once in a while, but on the whole, there has been A LOT of healing and clarity. This has been a result of meditation, questioning the nature of reality, self-observation and self-inquiry, which led to self love and self trust, as well as many loving teachers who guided me back to KNOWING my own innate and internal goodness (which is something I lost as a child). And if I don’t think I’m a bad person, then I don’t need to feel ashamed for having my needs met, for being cared for, for being comfortable, for living a fabulous life. Instead, I can feel immense, immense gratitude and humility.
Feeling my shame
I had to LEARN how to let myself feel shame in a healthy and constructive way. As much as they tried, this type of soul-level spiritual work was not going to happen in a two-hour training at an office in New York. I learned how to process shame through learning how to move emotions through my body, meditation, shadow work and somatic healing. These practices helped me learn how to feel shame so it could move through me, rather than fight against it or try to prevent it so that it stayed stuck in me. And this is important because shame NEVER helped make anything better. Once I learned how to FEEL shame, I became much more equipped to show up to life in an empowered way.
Detaching from ego
This is a life-long process, but simply put, not being such a pretentious, cynical know it all and/or not caring so much about how I appeared to other people, AND also not being so identified with my race, trauma and “story” 100%%% helped me be more authentic, ask questions, and process information. All of this was necessary to help me process you, so I could use you for good
Privilege is relative
Now I understand that you are RELATIVE, which is why when I used to compare myself to other people, I would end up ping-ponging around and feel so confused about what was “right.” If I compared myself to men, white people, or some seemingly wealthy people I see on instagram, I could easily feel indignant about how the patriarchy and white supremacy gets me down. And if I compare myself to the rest of the world, I can go down a shame spiral thinking about the starving children in India. (For example, if you earn 25k USD per year, which is not a lot in America, you are in the top 5% of the WORLD).
The point is, comparison is not an accurate portrayal of the TRUTH of our reality. The TRUTH is much too nuanced and there are too many factors to consider. If you try to understand your place in the world through comparison, you will forever be confused and ungrounded.
Also, the news, social media, and comparison may still trigger me from time to time, and that’s okay, too.
Feeling responsible (in a healthy way)
Understanding and owning my many privileges (without shame) gives me a sense of empowered responsibility. I KNOW my power and I know I can use my power for good. When I was filled with shame, my wanting to help wasn’t coming from a sovereign, liberated place. That drained me of energy and sometimes felt inauthentic and weird. Now, I feel a responsibility to this world that isn’t motivated from powerlessness, but rather from a place of personal power- whether that’s through spending money on things I want to support, modeling being a sovereign human being, donating to causes I care about, or being a spiritual mentor for others. Experience, self-connection, and spiritual growth have helped me TRUST MYSELF ENOUGH TO KNOW that I can be a good steward of privilege.
Now, privilege, I am grateful to you in a much more clear and unburdened way. You are not something I take lightly, and I am honored and humbled that I have come into this lifetime as someone who gets to experience so much abundance and comfort in the world. I’m sorry I have forsaken you for so many years, when I could have just been in complete devotion and gratitude. But also, you have been a great teacher, and for that I am so appreciative.
Maybe in the new earth (or in another dimension ;) there is a world in which privilege doesn’t exist, because everyone will have the same amount of power/access, which would make the idea of privilege obsolete. But in the meantime, I can be thankful for you. I can enjoy you, feel worthy of you, AND also do my part to help others know and experience you.
I'm sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.
In peace and openness,
Eva